Men It’s Time To Stop Cheating On Wives: Now


Man Card

I know what’s going on out there in the kingdom of dudes. You’re saying, “Scott, turn in your man card. You’re fighting for the other side.”

Well, after my last article, Why Men Cheat, I can see the confusion among my counterparts. Based on the Page Views (a record high) and the clicked Likes and Comments (zero) I knew the message had touched a nerve. The intention wasn’t to be controversial, but to call out for men to commit to marital purity.

Isn’t it weird when guys start talking about marital purity?


Undercover Life

I spent 12 of my 25 year law enforcement career working undercover. Do you know the first thing you’re taught to ensure success and survival as an undercover drug agent?

How to lie.

Your life depends on it. The reality of it, is that after day 1 or day 4,380, lying is tough.

Don’t think so? Then try making up an entirely new identity, and run with that story for a while. Your name, where you live, went to school, what you do for a living, etc.

Need added pressure? Imagine that drugs, weapons and violent felons are involved, and only want to catch you in a lie to kill you.

The reality of it all is that if you are cheating on your spouse, you are, in fact, living an undercover life of lies. I’d almost be willing to say that the consequences are as high if not higher than my undercover operations.

You risk losing your wife, kids, career, family and friends, yourself and most tragically, your relationship with God.


Double Minded

There are clinical studies showing that exposure to working in an undercover capacity may create a scenario very similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder. It’s commonly referred to as multiple personalities, but to be more specific in the cases of purposefully assuming an alternate identity, it’s a detachment from what is reality, and an attachment to what is contrived.

I recall almost two decades ago while working with the DEA, someone very close to me confronted me. They said, “You’re acting just like them.”

Those words stung, and to this day I’ve never forgotten them. Because in fact, I had begun to emulate the violence-loving lifestyle of the vicious felons I hunted. I’d taken on their persona through speech and thought. I think it was Elmer Fudd who said to “Catch a rabbit, you must become the rabbit.”

The source of the concept of double minded was James. He mentions it twice in the bible. The Greek word he used was dipsuchos which means, “a person with two minds or souls.” This term is only mentioned in the two verses below, but the concept of living the lie is referenced throughout God’s word.


A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

 James 1:8

The first reference warns us of the condition we shall hold if we attempt to live the double life. No matter how much you think you’re in control, or how good you have it with the family on one side and your mistress on the other, you are unstable. The colored glasses you’re using to see the Pollyannic world you’re existing in, has everyone else noticing it but you.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

James 4:8

Wounded Warriors

An important distinction is that most men who cheat are not evil. They are wounded.

Trust me, I’m not a tree hugger and don’t skip around complaining because I didn’t get enough love as an infant. But I have come to a spiritual understanding that wounds are as real as they are perceived to be real.

Men are trapped in the culture of silence. We liken it to a medal of honor, when in fact it’s a rotting albatross strapped around our neck. Sooner or later, our emotional wounds have spiritual, physical and emotional consequences. If held in darkness, these injuries manifest themselves as sin, addiction, suicide or depression to name but a few.

No matter how tough you are or how hard you struggle to avoid them, they are like a debt owed. Your emotional bills will come due. How will you pay up? Through prayer, healing, confession and recovery, or with compounding a sin interest until your despair is greater than your hope?

The Devil’s Strongholds

There is a powerful resource for men struggling with sexual sin – The Conquer Series: The Battle Plan For Purity explains the enemy’s efforts to chain you down to the lies of the deceiver.

He’s a master at planting seeds of doubt in your spirit. You’re not good enough, you don’t make enough money, your car is too old, you weren’t a good athlete, you’re not popular or there’s always someone better waiting to do you in. Any of these sound familiar?

You must identify your addiction triggers before you can begin to develop a structured plan to defeat or avoid them. Is it porn, a movie, an image, a memory, someone at work or the gym that lights your fires of fantasy?

A rational plan is going to help you identify them. You can’t change what you don’t understand. It was Sun Tzu who said, “Know thy enemy, know thyself.”

The most powerful stronghold over you is what has wounded you, and yet remains unresolved. It might be something that happened decades ago, but the pain remains as deeply rooted as the day it occurred. Do not believe the lie that time heals all wounds. Time only makes them hurt more.

You have to bring light to what hurts you before healing can begin. I’ll share something I’m working on right now, and I’ll be totally transparent, it’s one of the toughest things I’ve ever done.

Men, I want you to do this and keep it to yourselves. This is for you to discover the source of your agony:

Make a list of the 10 worst moments in your life

Pray over this list and ask God to begin to restore you. Speak forgiveness to those who caused those hurtful moments. Believe the truth of God’s word to heal you and you will soon experience the desires of your heart begin to shift.

Ask God to erase your cheating life of double-mindedness, and to shift your desires toward faithfulness to the one woman you swore a holy oath to love, honor and cherish.


Fight For Surrender

Men, this is a topic God has seared into my heart. While at the peak of my professional career as a city chief of police, I thought only the sky was the limit. A bigger agency, an elected office, another national committee or consultant position, you name it, and it was all within my grasp.

Then God whispered, “Follow Me.”

I walked away from the only job I’d had as an adult. A career that I was good at and loved doing. I’d started as a rookie patrol deputy with a borrowed badge and worked my way through the ranks of a large, nationally accredited law enforcement agency before being confirmed as a city’s top cop.

“Follow Me.”

On August 28, 2015, I retired from law enforcement. It was completely unexpected, and when hounded by the media for a reason, I only offered one – God called me into His service. This was one of the headlines.

It’s not been easy, but God has shown me that the only way to truly follow His lead is by surrendering to His will.

In this order:

1. God

2. Wife

3. Children

As always, nothing I share is from a place of judgement. It’s out of the love God has planted in my heart for men to fight for their marriage. It’s the amazing gift you can give your children.

Lead from the front,


CLICK HERE  For a 100% promise of a lasting marriage

Allow me to offer this as a gift to you and your spouse. We believe in the MarriageToday ministry and attest that their marriage strengthening program, Marriage On The Rock is a life saver. Leah and I are certified through the counseling program, and I want to give you free access to the secure online environment. Please go through this course with your wife. It’ll change your life.


What did you think about – Men It’s Time To Stop Cheating On Wives: Now

Lysa Terkeurst: The Male Response To Divorce And Why

The News

My wife shared an article about divorce with me written by Lysa Terkeurst, the founder of Proverbs 31 Ministry. 

We’re both big fans of her site and social media platforms, which reach about 40 million people. It empowers women and family, and is a wonderful resource for all.

I’d say that prior to Lysa’s June 13, 2017 article, Rejection, Heartache, and a Faithful Godshe, her life and marriage were the standards by which millions of people measured their own. She was a light on the hill for what a true, bible-based marriage, Christian wife, and ministry could look like.

On June 13th she bravely shared she was divorcing her husband of almost 25 years. She remains that shining light on the hill, and even more so in her brokenness and faithful humanity.

The Female Response To Divorce

My wife was crushed over the divorce, as were millions of other wonderful women around the globe. I’ve been reading comments in posts and articles all week about their responses to the news. I’d estimate about 99% of all respondents were very supportive offering prayer and support.

If I were to paint a collective portrait of the sentiments, it would reflect most women expressing fear of losing their own spouses due to divorce. The readers shared how they hurried to their husbands to hug or assure them of their love and adoration for their marriage.

These women cherish their marriages, and instead of spreading hurtful gossip about Lysa’s divorce, they flipped the positive opportunity to assess their own relationships in physical and visceral responses.

I learned so much from my own wife sharing her heart about this matter in Lysa TerKeurst: The Female Response. In my wife’s response, she began a private group for women struggling with affair recovery as a way to support and love her sisters. She encourages you to connect if you’re so inclined.

For More On Men’s Ministry, Sign Up & Received My Bestselling 31 Day Devotional For Men

The Male Response To Divorce

While heavily under-represented in comments on Lysa’s or any other social media forum, I’d intuitively say not many men rushed to their wives to embrace them over fear of ending up like Lysa and Art.

It’s not that men wouldn’t feel empathy for the Terkeurst divorce, or that men don’t cherish their spouses, but the male condition has become conditioned to the reality of marital failure.

Men aren’t as surprised when the other proverbial shoe does fall. Maybe it’s the hardened shell we build around our hearts as a distorted sort of protective barrier.

Maybe we’re culturally encoded to suppress emotions while wrapping our minds around rational next steps in a never-ending session of “what-if” bad things happen.

The reality is that we as men have failed in the business of marriage. A January 2017 study claimed between 50 and 60% of all husbands have engaged in extramarital affairs at some point in their marriage.

While difficult to determine data related to infidelity being the actual cause of divorce, studies show 37% (either spouse) occur as a result of cheating.

I’d add that while the legal justification for divorce is usually listed as no-fault or irreconcilable differences as a means to get the marriage dissolved as quick as possible, data suggests infidelity is involved at a substantially higher rate than reported.

Despite the data, collectively, men have not equally carried marriage’s yoke. The principle of pursuing marital purity isn’t openly accepted or discussed in masculine circles.

Men look at a guy like Art, and hope they either don’t get busted in whatever they’re engaged in, or wonder how they’d carry on if their marriages ever fell apart.

Mentoring Men

Unfortunately, we don’t mentor men to be husbands. We say “I do,” and then do. But do what?

That’s where we drop the ball. Unless we’ve had a strong God-centered teaching on the reality of Adam’s Genesis 2:24 experience of merging two into one, then chances are, men mistake the verse as combining two resources such as bank accounts or furniture.

Without mentors, we do as we see. What men have seen over the last decades are their parents divorcing, fathers abandoning the family by either choice or heavily-burdened custodial requirements, temporary live-in love interests helping raise the kids, and Herculean single-parent efforts to maintain a sense of balance.

These dynamics also create injury for the kids, and where the male child is physically, emotionally or spiritually wounded by their dad; the pain often manifest itself into efforts to medicate it as an adult through alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography or suicide.

Male Infidelity

Lysa shared that Art’s continued substance abuse and infidelity were the major factors leading her to divorce him. While saddened at Lysa’s news, I wasn’t shocked.

Cheating runs rampant, and despite the “easy way out alibi” that men just want more sex, there are actual reasons why men act out sexually.I’ve even begun a men’s outreach to encourage brothers to stand the gap for the kingdom and their family at Brick Breakers

It’s the failure to identify and address the cause that chains men to the bowels of hell through sexual bondage. Sneaky secrets or salacious lies are the devil’s tactics for trapping men and destroying families.

I’ve written on male infidelity in Why Men Cheat, and Men, Stop Cheating. Both may be worth your time to explore, and reference if you find yourself in similar scenarios. There’s also a confidential survey assessment in Why Men Cheat you can take to determine your risk of sex addiction.

But How?

What shocked most were that the Terkeurst’s appeared to have centered their marriage on Christ first. So how could this happen to people who love God and serve Him? How could God allow that to happen?

Lysa’s such a shining example of a strong Christian woman, why would God do this to her? Doesn’t God love her anymore?

The above are comments from articles about the news. The reality is, bad things happen to good people. Another truth is that good people do bad things.

While I don’t know either Lysa or her husband Art personally, these truths are universal. God allows His children free will. Otherwise we’d roam the earth like the rest of the beasts of the field chewing cud and mindlessly responding to exterior stimuli.

God did not punish Lysa, and He certainly still loves her very much. We are free to choose our own paths. It’s God’s desire that we come to Him to enjoy a deep, loving relationship.

Unfortunately in Art’s case, and many spouses, their desire leads somewhere between a high and an illicit sexual encounter.

Just because Lysa became yet another victim to the ravages of satan’s war waged against marriage, doesn’t make her any less of an example. In time and through God’s grace, this will allow her an even greater compassion for people, faith and now recovery from divorce.

In The Beginning

This began long before Lysa and Art.

God loves marriage. He created it to mirror the relationship He wants to have with us. The creation of man and then the gift of man’s helper, woman, was in fact the first marriage in the history of the world. It’s why Adams said:

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife;

and they shall become one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24

Neither Adam nor Eve had ever sinned. They lacked the capacity to understand the concept or question the consequences of going against the will of God. Yet, because of the gift of free will, they chose to reject God’s one command. Eat all you want, but leave that tree for Me (to paraphrase.)

They coveted what God solely possessed, and they sinned in their selfish desire to have what God had. They in turn placed God’s will behind their own desires and feasted on the forbidden fruit. Sin separated them from intimacy with God, and with each other.

Men continue to relive this act of defiance, oath breaking and covetousness each time they flirt, text, bait-click pornography, steal a simple kiss at the after work happy hour, or commit to long-term or repeated sexual affairs.

Satan hates marriage because it is the direct reflection of God’s loving relationship with us. It’s why the serpent immediately attacked the first couple. It tempted them with something bigger and better than what God had given them.

Isn’t it telling that although history tries to blame Eve for bringing down Adam, he was right there as the deception occurred. Remember, he was the one who spoke of two becoming one flesh. Where there was Eve, there was Adam. He failed her as the spiritual head of their household.

Adam allowed his desire for the fruit God forbade to fail in shielding his wife from the consequences of evil. Worse, when confronted by God, Adam threw blame on the one person who he previously claimed as his cherished own.

Do you see the similarities? Art’s willful desire for sex and substances places them above his passion for God, and therefore his wife. The substance abuse and sexual sin become his god (lower case g) while he failed to protect Lysa from the consequences of his sin. Also, the secretive nature is not unlike Adam’s attempt to hide from God before he was confronted.

In the end, we’ve really not progressed very far from the creation story.

The Hope

God created marriage. There is no coincidence that He places emphasis on the act of marriage. The bible begins with a marriage in the Garden. Jesus’s first recorded miracle occurred at a wedding, and the bible ends in Revelations with a wedding supper.

God also created sex to be enjoyed within the blessings of that marriage. God has never been shy about a husband and wife enjoying each other’s bodies. Nor has He minced words about the consequences of sex outside of marriage. Here’s a few bible verses to hammer these points home:

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled,

for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

Hebrews 13:4

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-4

“Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”

1 Corinthians 7:1-2

Men can reclaim their place as the spiritual head of their households. But it will never happen as long as we conduct ourselves outside of the boundaries of marital purity.

Wives deserve better than to follow the lead of a corrupted spirit. Your wife is God’s very own cherished daughter. That makes Him your father-in-law. Do you think God will allow her to be deceived without detection?

Men, if Lysa’s reality doesn’t cause you to rush into your wife’s arms and reclaim the bonds of holy matrimony, then focus on your own. If you have been unfaithful, you should begin with confession and prayer. Concealing your affair isn’t the answer.

Studies show that 60-75% of couples who’ve experienced betrayal stay together. Confession, counseling and accountability in many cases lead to a deeper, more loving marriage.

The process through programs like the Conqueror Series is also vital for helping men understand the core causes of their destructive behavior.

Men, there is never judgement in my message. I only share what God places on my heart. God meant for us to be kings and conquerors, but instead we behave like cowards and saboteurs. Your family will only ever be as strong as you are.

Are you ready to be strong in Christ for your family?

Keep the Terkeurst family in your prayers.

Much Love / Much Respect,


For More On Men’s Ministry, Sign Up & Received My Bestselling 31 Day Devotional For Men

7 Churches In Revelation | 7 Messages In Marriage

NOTE: I wrote this article for Faithful ReMarriage Blended Family – Join us over there.
The first page in the book of Revelation is usually where most truth-seekers seem to stop. We’ve all heard the stories about end times, but the idea shutters our desire to understand it. Most people refuse to accept the reality that our existence as we know it, will cease to exist.

Carry The Marriage Banner

But until that time of tribulation, Jesus encourages us to carry on. Of course, He doesn’t want us lounging around gazing up at the sky. We’re expected to practice active patience by serving others as we grow His kingdom.
ReMarriage is an area of ministry where our heart is drawn. We’ve not only been blessed by a second chance at love and family, but Leah and I understand that the marriage model is based on the way God wants to share life with us.
Marriage mirrors God’s relationship model.

God Created Marriage

Marriage is emphasized at the very beginning and end of the bible. It is also emphasized throughout God’s teachings. Adam and Eve are not merely about the creation story, they are about the very first marriage.
It was never just Adam and Eve in the Garden. God was part of the marriage relationship. He walked and talked with them as they did each other. It was only when they turned away from God that their marriage, and thus their relationship with God suffered.
God is the glue that divorce-proofs your marriage.
The first miracle performed by Jesus was at a wedding. This wasn’t a coincidence. This was by design to show the importance of the marriage model as it applies to God’s people and to the way we intimately relate with God.
The book of Revelation, the final book in God’s word, ends with the marriage supper of the Lamb. Read this powerful passage, and allow the heart that God has for marriage to show you how important it is to God.
“Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out, 
For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure”— for the fine linen is the righteous
deeds of the saints. 
And the angel said[a] to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.”
Revelation 19:6-9

7 Churches In Revelation | 7 Messages In Marriage

Admittedly, Revelations doesn’t naturally cry out romance, remarriage and restoration of marital relationships. It’s a no nonsense message to the 7 churches of Asia. We the church are His people and He desires a marriage-model relationship with us, the messages to the 7 churches are also messages about marriage.

The church in Ephesus had forsaken its first love: (Revelation 2:1-7)

This church is similar to the married couples who have remained together and weathered the storms, temptation and trials, but have done so on their own accord. God has been removed from their union. They’ve not experienced His blessings, but instead only endured year after year engrossed in self-reliance.

God wants us to place Him at the head of our marriage. He isn’t a statue set in the corner bookshelf or in a guest room. He’s not a magic lamp to be rubbed when times get tough. God wants an active, vibrant role in your marriage. His light is vital to maintaining the promise of joy in two becoming one in all aspects.

This marriage has not violated their covenant with God or each other, and by many accounts would be looked upon as a solid union. But it’s a two-legged table only propped against a wall. God’s inclusion, as it was in the Garden of Eden, creates the spiritual-strength through a true covenant-based marriage.

The church in Smyrna that suffered persecution:  (Revelation 2:8-11)

Couples who remain faithful to God and each other yet live in difficult circumstances are acknowledged by God. Often times the environment places external stressors on a couple that create opportunities for sin and faithlessness.
But, where these couples fall away from the grace of God is that they still cling to the old ways, before they entered into a marriage covenant with Him. Because the couple’s focus isn’t on God’s will, they promote a spirit of discontent that threatens other couples to stumble as well.
These are the couples who are often broken, but are valuable for mentoring other couples through their examples of faithfulness. Their ability to weather the storm holds favor, but they must return to their walk with Christ. God promises to reward them and bless them greatly for their return and service.   

The church in Pergamum that needed to repent: (Revelation 2:12-17)

Couples who are married in name only are an affront to the holy institution of marriage. Willfully allowing sin into their home desecrates the covenant taken with God.
Accepting things such as sexual immorality, pornography, irresponsible stewardship, covetousness, or any act of defiance deemed acceptable by the spouses. Many couples just grow weary and seek stimulation from outside sources.
Their carnal need to spice things up, lead them away from God’s will for the sanctity of marriage. God foresees the trials destined to befall couples who preach one thing, yet practice another. He is merciful and patient.
Once the couples find themselves shackled to the bowels of hell by their own sin, He is gracious to answer their pleas of forgiveness.
If your marriage has fallen off the tracks and you’ve turned to the world for spice, please return to Christ for salt. He will magnify your joy and satisfy your desires within the protective boundaries of matrimony.
The church in Thyatira embraced a false prophetess: (Revelation 2:18-29)
These couples genuinely exhibit five qualities: love, faith, service, patient endurance, and greater works. They might have started off on shaky grounds when first married, but they have grown together through time.
Where this couple falls away from God’s favor is the open invitation to false doctrine. They allow sexual immorality to enter into their marriage. Maybe it’s adultery, pornography, or sexual sin, but because they’ve believed a lie, they accept the presence of false beliefs. Rather than confessing and turning back to Christ for forgiveness, they remain locked into a practice of carnal sin.
God still loves these couples and promises them that remain faithful despite the temptations of easy sexual immorality without consequences (big lie) that they will know Jesus Christ in a very intimate relationship.
The church in Sardis had fallen asleep: (Revelation 3:1-6)
These couples put on a fantastic front-facing facade and present themselves in their community as a good, Christian couple. They may attend church services regularly and dress in their finest to go there, but the reality is, they care nothing about their walk with Christ.
Spiritually dead, they party until it’s time for the pew. Their hypocrisy is an affront to God and He has no tolerance for the charade. These couples must repent and seek God’s heart. They’d fare better by just avoiding church altogether as opposed to mocking faith with a once a week side-show.
As is the case with a merciful God, He calls those with a heart for Him to seek His voice. Sometimes the old saying “Fake it until you can make it,” applies here. These couples are in God’s house, they just need to come into God’s grace.
God is very clear in His distaste for those who pretend. He’s also very gracious for those who repent and accept Jesus Christ.
The church in Philadelphia had endured patiently: (Revelation 3:7-13)
God has a heart for these couples. While they are not perfect, they are perfect in their prioritizing the bible-based marriage model. God is the head of their family. The married couple come next and followed in importance by their children, whether biological or blended.
These couples avoid strife and that places them on the outskirts of social circles. Others seek to harm them or their reputations with false allegations or blindsided swipes while the couple is not looking.  These couples rest on the blessed assurance that God has them covered.
They are faithful to God, faithful to each other and faithful to their pursuit of the kingdom. These couples don’t have it easy by any means, but because they have endured tough times and persecution for the name of Jesus Christ, they know they are blessed and protected. Full faith defines these couples.
The church in Laodicea had lukewarm faith: (Revelation 3:14-22)
This couple really has no redeeming qualities. They are Godless, wretched and self-absorbed. God would rather them be hot or cold in their pursuit of Him, but the reality that they are lukewarm in their faith causes God to “spit them from His mouth.”
These couples don’t necessarily have to be wealthy, but it’s their materialistic hearts and covetousness spirit that causes the wide expanse between their desire and God’s will. Their non commitment or concern about their relationship with God will bring great rebuke upon the couple, but God does offer a way.
It is the same path we are allowed. Jesus Christ is the only way to the Father. These couples face the same dilemma as the New Testament’s rich, young ruler in Mark 10:17-27. Because he valued his possessions and riches, he turned from Jesus’s offer to sell them and follow Him.
God does desire to share a relationship with these couples. Jesus Christ is waiting right outside their door to be invited into their lives. He not only wants to come into their lives, but He wants to bless them greatly for their faithful seeking and invitation.

Which Couple Are You?

Married couples evolve throughout the course of their lives. Party pals may surrender to Christ and commit their days and ways to serving Him.
Couples who stood on the rock of solemn vows grow distant and detached as time and trials batter their once solid oath.
The goal isn’t to judge, but to assess. A marriage can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in the marriage. It’s a perfect opportunity to grow stronger as a couple.

Marriage On The Rock

Besides our MarriageToday certification as counselors, we were drawn to this course early on in our marriage. We want to pay forward the chance to help other couples the way we were helped.
We want to offer this to you Free. It’s an online course that is private and can be watched at your own time and pace. Every word is bible-based and sound in scripture and principle.
NOTE: I know most guys are going to refuse to watch this. Please, Please, Please ask them to just try one video. I promise, I had the same “resistance,” but thank God I dropped the macho man, and opted for loving husband.

Married My Soulmate? Nope

I posted this latest article over at Faithful.Live – You can click HERE to get there if you’re interested in soulmates, donut holes and my wife riding a dinosaur.

Lead From The Front,