The New News
Lysa Terkeurst, founder of the Proverbs 31 Ministry has etched her life and testimony into the lives of millions of woman around the world. A witness to faithfulness, perseverance, and a heart for sharing God’s love, her outreach for encouraging other women grew into a global ministry of extolling the virtues of a Godly woman.
In 2017, the mystical bubble created by unrealistic public expectation burst, when Lysa, a mere mortal, bravely announced to the world she was divorcing her husband, Art. She selflessly explained that adultery and addiction were at the root of her reason for the divorce.
I read the tons of commentary about her decision, and while nearly all were positive and encouraging, there were none by men. I wanted a voice in the space, so I offered my own version from the man’s perspective, Lysa Terkeurst: The Male Response To Divorce And Why
While going viral wasn’t my goal, it did that indeed. I was thankful for the opportunity to share my vision of a man’s heart where biblical principles did and did not apply.
Recently, from an unexpected place, I received a private message from one of the men in my Five Stones Church Ministry group. He wanted to share the good news of reconciliation. He said, “Lysa and Art are back together, Praise Jesus.”
I was proud of the almost surreal conversation we were having, but above all, I was proud that two guys were delighted in the reconciliation of two souls who had entered into the marriage covenant with God, and were working to work it out. Go Team Men.
When it comes to restoring furniture or cars, we, men are willing to roll up our sleeves and bust as many knuckles as it takes until the job is done. I’m not even talking about doing a halfway job, or just satisfied that a clunker’s engine turns over. We will work to restore it better than its original condition.
Except when it comes to the restoration of relationships.
When God cast Adam and Eve from the Garden, there wasn’t much resistance from Adam. I imagine him dropping his head as he slumped out of there with Eve somewhere behind him wondering what happened. God didn’t talk with both of them, He directed it to Adam.
therefore the Lord God sent him out of the garden of Eden to till the ground from which he was taken.
But how could Adams have changed God’s mind? Well, if he cared more about restoration than throwing his wife under the bus when confronted by God, maybe he, like others in history could’ve changed God’s mind by pursuing His heart.
Would God have changed his mind? Who knows, but the point is the lack of effort and the willingness to fade into the harshness of separation. See, men haven’t changed much since that first exposure encounter.
I’ve always called it the “walk away gene,” as if it’s some genetic gift. It wrongly enables men to take their toys and flee tough marriages in hopes of starting fresh with the next “right” one. It’s not right.
Finding Jesus In Others
For the sake of transparency, I don’t know Art, and I’m not making any judgments against him. But what I do know is we all have a supernatural desire to know God. While some desires are stronger than others, an absence of that relationship is like a late night craving when the cabinets are bare.
Adultery slithers its way into that vacant space. It’s usually so much more than just wanting sex. There are often issues of past pain. When the pain is combined with the spiritual void, there arises the need to “medicate” the misery.
Internal turmoil turns to sex, substance abuse, pornography, anger and many other unhealthy behaviors to anesthetized the unresolved hurt.
Unwell Woman At The Well
Looking at the story of Jesus speaking with the Samaritan woman at the well, we see that she’d been married five times, and was currently living with another man. She confessed to Jesus that she was aware of a Messiah coming. Tactfully, Jesus allowed her to know He was the one she was seeking.
What’s important in John 4:1-26 for making the point of a man’s reaction to divorce and the approach toward reconciliation, is that the Samaritan knew of and was seeking the Christ. She, like many folks without God in their life pursue Him in other people. Mostly through multiple spouses and shallow relationships.
Unmet expectations is one of the top reasons for divorce. When people expect to find Jesus in another person, they will ultimately be disappointed. This results in their leaving the relationship with the hopes of finding Jesus in their next marriage, or the next one, or…
Lysa may be an incredibly faithful woman, but she, nor anyone on this earth is Jesus. When both spouses know Christ, and place Him as the priority in their covenant marriage, their needs are met and expectations are exceeded.
Mismanaging Past Personal Pain
Because Art struggled with sexual sin and addiction, let’s take a quick look at how most of us try to manage past personal pain by avoiding confession, repentance, forgiveness and restoration. These are three biblical examples of how not to deal with unresolved pain.
King David was exalted as a great and mighty ruler. God himself, chose David to be king over Israel because of what He saw on the inside.
Man looks at how someone appears on the outside.
But I look at what is in the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7b
Although David was anointed by God, he didn’t come to the throne without serious personal baggage. David is a lot like us in carrying personal pain from our past.
Medication is the first way of unsuccessfully dealing with pain. David’s medication of choice was the flesh. His sexual addiction caused problems for everyone associated with him.
David’s pain was rooted in the rejection by his father. He wasn’t considered worthy of meeting the prophet Samuel who came to anoint a ruler. Yet, there in that rejected, messed up boy, Israel had a king. David’s rejection stung and stuck. Have you been hurt by a parent, and never forgave them? This injury doesn’t heal in time.
The son of David, Solomon was by far the wealthiest and most wise human ever to grace the earth. Even though, he was born in an atmosphere created by an earlier sexual scandal involving his parents (Bathsheba and David) the sins of his father continued to plague him too.
Motivation and achievements were Solomon’s failed attempt to soothe his pain. The more he accumulated the less he felt deserving. In Ecclesiastes 2 he shares the futility of trying to outwork his hurt.
I’ve included this small section of the scripture, but please read the entire Chapter 2:1-24.
10 I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
and this was the reward for all my toil.
11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
There is a third unhealthy way of dealing with our hurt. Absalom was David’s son and Solomon’s half-brother. His pain, like many with a dominant parent, began at home. Absalom also suffered from intense guilt over doing nothing to defend his sister from a sexual attack by another half-brother.
Meditation stewed in his spirit as hatred intensified. For two years he avoided confronting his feelings and the offender before it erupted, and he killed his brother.
Attacks against others is what defines him. Are you feeling the rage of regret and wrongdoings roil beneath the surface while you look for an outlet to unleash your fury upon?
What a testimony to the power of a praying wife. God heard Lysa’s pleas, and blessed her with Art’s reconciling his life to Christ. How easy would it have been to move on with her life, while focusing on recovering from the damage done because of Art’s affair and addiction?
No. She dug in and refused to relinquish her marriage to the scrap heap of failed oaths, until God came through. So, how about us guys? How do we, men, handle the labor of restoration? I say labor because there’s so much more than an apology and a dozen roses.
Men must understand that a wounded marriage requires healing. Healing is also about restoration. There are various types of restoration, and the act of restoring is a vibrant dynamic.
One definition of the word restoration is “the action of returning something to a former owner, place, or condition.” Another is “the process of repairing or renovating a building, work of art, vehicle, etc., so as to restore it to its original condition.”
In our restoration, we are being returned to our original owner; God.
A crafty car thief can steal your ride, change the VIN numbers and apply for a new title, but that still doesn’t make it his car. Maybe we’d taken possession of our own lives and walked away with the deed and title, but self-ownership wasn’t what was intended when the creator crafted us for this life.
The other definition describes being repaired and renovated, so as to restore to it’s original condition. Our original condition was Adam. Honestly, we have not moved the needle very far from those earliest days of walking nude with lions. But, thanks be to Christ’s sacrifice for our salvation, He is the second Adam, and thus a hope restored for living a Christ-like life.
Let’s also be very blunt at this point. There are some men who assume because they are forgiven of sin, that it’s a blank check to live as they wish, and sin again because they know God will forgive them again and again and again.
Being forgiven by God requires more than a plea in a time of panic. God demands confession, repentance and a sincere heart toward change. If you ask forgiveness because you feel sad over what you did, or got caught doing; and not because of the hurt you caused others and pain brought to God, then you are still beyond the spiritual realm of God’s loving nature.
Restoration is such a vital word in this conversation, because it’s exactly the process of not only being washed white as snow of your transgressions, but returning to the original owner and creator, God. That is forgiveness and restoration, and that is what it takes to save the Terkeurst marriage.
Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus,
Do Men Rejoice?
Yes, men do pay attention to Art and Lysa Terkeurst. We also pay attention to our friends, family, and what’s going down with our co-workers and public figures. Where we lack paying really close attention is in our own relationships. There are many times before we arrive at the doorstep of divorce when restoration is required.
Keep the marriage in fine tuned running condition,
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Categories: Brick Breakers
Awesome post, Scott.
Hi Brother. Thank you kindly,
There are others who see wives as being the ones who do the walking away, when they give up on the husband taking action to improve the marriage. This pattern is called the “walk away woman syndrome” by author Michelle Weiner-Davis, MSW. Her description of the situation can be found at The Walk-away Wife Syndrome.
From a wife of a hubby who has walked away multiple times, over a period of 2 1/2 years, thank you for a Godly man point of view. This article has helped. A lot. I sent it to my husband as well….. praying for fruit to come forth.
Amen and thank you. As much as we men portray the warrior, we’re quick to flee the spiritual battlefield in marriage. It’s because without Christ as our commander, we’re not equipped to fight for marriage. Praying for restoration in our marriage.
thank you scott. your insights will help me to restore my marriage.
Amen Kevin – God bless you and stay in the fight for marriage.
Scott, sharing the example of “men restoring cars till their knuckles break,” yet “walking away from a marriage that needs restoring” drives the point home about (many) men’s discomfort with talking about and facing reality, especially when it comes to personal demons. I particularly liked how you compared the story of Adam and Eve to Lysa and Art’s story. However, one important point was left out and it is the key factor that distinguishes the difference between the two couples: Art got help. Adam didn’t. Most men can’t and won’t as your article adeptly describes. Lysa needed to move on and was. But, at the very last minute, Art, sought and found help and it is important to note, he took that step on his own. I too am “a mere mortal” and “had the power of a praying wife” but God requires each of us to carry our cross. Sadly, some husbands can’t and won’t pick it up leaving shattered lives and hearts behind them, including theirs. I would gratefully have been walking next to my husband had he picked up his cross.
Keep up your message, you’re touching lives.
Thank you kindly. That’s a great point about Art getting help. Thank you for adding value and personal experience to this article, and for your kind words. Scott
My wife is a big fan of Lysa’s and actually decided to separate for me based off Lysa’s strength to leave Art. We separated from Jan – March then separated again in July. I moved into the backyard, living in our RV 2 weeks ago because I lost my job. Just like Art I have put in the hard work to remove habitual sin. Mine was flirting, a 3 month emotional affair (nothing physical) and 19 years of marriage struggles from undiagnosed ADHD. She forgave me and the other woman. We made attempts to reconcile that failed because we were not on the same page. Spiritual warfare against each other. My wife is now living a double life. She’s riding the fence world view and her Christian life. Told me if another man asks her out, probably would go. Last night she went to a Christmas party with a luke warm Christian girlfriend, got very drunk, kissed another man, exchanged phone numbers and talked this afternoon. She goes out partying a lot and has no plans to stop. Told her the enemy has infiltrated her heart. She knows Lysa has accepted Art back. Any advise how my wife to be convicted what she is doing is sinful, adultery ?
Kevin – I’m grieved that you both are going through this. While I don’t know the history of your marriage, your wife’s insecurities and related behavior may have started as a result of your emotional affair (physical & emotional equally devastate.) Because you’ve come to a place of confession and personal renewal with a desire to move forward in marriage, your wife’s timeline to heal isn’t latched to yours.
If she has forgiven you, then that doesn’t automatically mean relational reconciliation. What it does mean is that she has freed herself from the offense against her through your adultery. Grace now allows her the authority to define the terms of the relationship. Forgiveness is spiritual, but it doesn’t mean natural reconciliation is required.
My most sincere advice is to continue focusing on your walk and the desire to become the man God called you to be. Condemning her actions and labeling her friends as lukewarm, isn’t the posture for showing a truly repentant heart. I want you guys to save your marriage more than anything. Satan hates what God created, so divorce is his victory (and a few divorce attorneys also win.)
You can press into Christ to become the husband your wife desires without your wife cheering you on along the way. She’ll take notice once her heart heals from the wounds of your affair. When will that be? Only God knows, but that shouldn’t stop you from being that Christ-man.
I am praying for you, Brother and trust the Holy Spirit’s work in both of your lives will bear fruit.
Great post, I am glad to have found it.
I wanted to point out that based on my reading of your post it sounds like you are implying Solomon was the child that resulted from the initial adultery with Bathsheba, which isn’t true. I’m sure you’re aware of this but that unnamed child DIED (2 Samuel 12). That deserves its own blog post. The birth of Solomon was more of a mercy following David’s sin. Solomon means “God is peace” or “His replacement”. Additionally, I’m not sure I think it’s accurate to say Solomon had a generational curse because of his father’s sin. In fact, God decided NOT to let David build the Temple as apart of the consequences his sin. Interestingly, David buys the field but is prevented from building the Temple there, then Solomon gets to build the temple. Again, another mercy. If Solomon was punished because of his father’s sin, I don’t think God would have let him build the temple. David was punished for his sin (death of a child, plagues on his kingdom, war), and Solomon was punished for his sins (the Kingdom divides). Those are just some of my thoughts.
Hi Amanda – Thanks. I went back to read that portion and you are right in that it could appear to say Solomon was the 1st child. I appreciate the heads up and I made changes to clarify. Appreciate you pointing that out. Scott