Marriage Matters.TV: Our 4 Deepest Needs

Marriage Matters.TV: Our 4 Deepest Needs

Unedited Transcript:

hi there I’m Scott Silverii and this is
my wife Leah and we’re with marriage
matters and we welcome you to today’s
episode hi hey how’s it going well we
hope you enjoyed our first episode
mm-hm and we thank you for coming back
so today we wanted to get out we want to
start off again with a little little
housekeeping yes
and some of the items that you would
like to bring up yes so if you’re just
joining us for the first time we’re
gonna post each day’s session on our
website which is marriage matters not me
it’ll also be here on this Facebook page
which we’d love for you to like the
little button and subscribe to the
Facebook page just so that you can see
what we have to offer every with every
episode and and we’d love for you guys
to be regular viewers also the series
that we’re doing right now that we’re
leading everybody through is the
marriage on the rock series for marriage
today Jimmy Evans yes and so marriage on
the rock we’re starting at the beginning
we’re gonna go all the way through it
we’re certified facilitators of this
series so we’re really exciting to take
everybody through it it’s a great series
little star marriage and we can’t wait
to share it with you mm-hmm
very cool that’s generous did I house
clean you did a good job usually I’m the
one that cleans the house but hey you
did a good job no problem okay so we are
again we always were asking for prayer
requests you can go to our Facebook page
right here you can put your prayer
requests in the comments or you can go
to our website marriage matters dot me
and there’s a little tab that says
submit prayer requests and and those are
totally confidential or you could put
them in the comments below but we
guarantee you we assure you anytime that
you trust us with your with your
petitions that we take them serious and
that that were in absolute prayer form
so we want to start off this episode
right like we do like we do each day
with prayer and we ask that you join us
so father Moore we do we thank you for
for allowing us to be here for
in episode we you know we have the
passion we have the heart we have the
will to advocate for for marriage and
blended families and and we thank you
for for through marriage on the rock and
through the ministry of marriage today
that that you’ve given us the weight
you’ve given us the tools to help and
and we pray that as it touched us as it
as it as a saved our marriage
you know just resented our commitment
back on you and in the covenant of
marriage and and we pray that we’re able
to convey that message through the
through these shows and just to someone
that that’s uh that’s seeking that that
still has the heart that has the passion
the desire for marriage
we just doesn’t know where to turn
because they see it slipping through
their fingers so Lord we do we pray we
pray we pray in the name of your son
Jesus Christ that this message will
reach those who desperately need to hear
it so we thank you and we praise you in
Jesus Christ’s name we ask amen so and
you know and we do you know we we like
this your challenges because we like to
challenge each other and you know one of
the things that we that we challenge
we’d like to challenge you to do it is
praying together every day I mean it is
so vital that that’s you that you get
into a I don’t say routine but you get
into the life habit yeah it’s a habit of
spiritual communication and I’ll tell
you I mean it did I mean like I always
joke my I was like a rough guy and you
know not abusive just rough you know
like the roughhouse and and and
sometimes my speech was either I would
didn’t talk at all when I did it was it
was very terse and harsh and let me tell
you when we sort of pray and it changed
everything
it changed my communication it changed
the way that she reached out to me so
you know we want to throw that in there
if you’re not praying with your spouse
please start and and we’re gonna cover
that in a episode I’m praying together
and and why it is it sometimes it can be
difficult to do and speaking of Prayer a
little little plug there Lea yeah so
we’ve got 31 days of Prayer for women 31
days of prayer for men and
you can get the bundle offer from our
website and it’s on sale 23 percent off
you can get them both for $19.99 it’s a
great deal so it saves save some money
there but we prayed every prayer and
those books we prayed for the people
that are reading those so there’s some
sear them from the heart we really we
prayed over each prayer before we wrote
them and they they go with the Bible
verse and there’s also some some little
challenging questions in there for you
and some journal pages so you know we
really want you to to take notes and and
you know really dig in dig deep you know
and a lot of times and it’s no insult
you just you just don’t know where to
start
you don’t know what to say you know you
feel that you know we talked before
about you know every creation has the
desire to know the creator and sometimes
it can be overwhelming it’s like where
do I start you know and that’s what
these devotionals are it’s not because
you don’t know how to pray and you don’t
know what to say
it’s a kickstart and and or a jumpstart
and and it starts to give you the words
and you know God doesn’t want you to
stress over what you’re gonna say you
want you to speak comfortably and
confidently and and and and openly but
sometimes it’s like what do I say
yeah and that’s where these emotions
come in and they’re also you know
they’re on it they’re oh no they help
keep you on track I mean listen we can
do anything for 31 days right I mean it
may not I mean I guess it depends on
what it is but but that’s where these
devotions really come in and they’re
they’re meant to be a guide and and to
get you just started in the process and
then to move you along throughout the
throughout the 31-day period I think you
know if you’re not used to doing it it
can be uncomfortable
no you’re right when you start you know
just like when we started praying
together you know there’s there’s like
that that time you know you there’s like
a tenseness you know because it’s so
you’re so vulnerable to your spouse
during those prayer times and bit like
now you know when we don’t do it we miss
it or you can feel it listen I mean I’ll
be honest will be will be midday and and
you know I’ll fall back to my natural
inclination it should be like you didn’t
pray today or we didn’t pray today and
look immediately I mean you can feel it
you can sense it because you’re missing
out on the on that that spiritual
connection and listen and don’t believe
that there’s not a very real
supernatural realm and we and we all
live in it so speaking of challenges yes
what we’d like to again challenge you to
do is to first like as we’re going
through this series together be
committed you know if your and your
spouse are committed to God first and
then to each other your marriage can
survive anything
yep and then the second thing we want to
continue to be is be bold you know when
we talk about storming the gates of Hell
with prayer that takes boldness it takes
courage but in your boldness we ask some
of these discussions may challenge you
to talk about important issues it’s
normal to feel some resistance
especially when you’ve been hurt or
disappointed
it’s easy just to shut down don’t do it
be bold be courageous but however it’s
important to let your spouse know
exactly what’s going on in your head and
in your heart and then the third thing
is focus on what you can do so many
times you know when marriages are
struggling you keep praying for your
spouse to change and focus on what you
can change because God can work miracles
it just any time you know he can work
him in you and he could work him in your
spouse and marriage takes two people so
you know see we’ll see what you can
change in you and and you know the Bible
says that that a woman especially a
woman can change her husband’s behavior
by her behavior so let your spouse see
Christ in you well it’s you know in you
know we like to we default to Genesis on
in the creation story in the first man
and woman and there’s so much in there
you know and and and we love the you
know we love the the Hebrew translation
you know they they say that the Bible
says God created man a helper and you
know in some well that’s a that’s my
sidekick that’s my Robin that’s a Batman
and and and that is not that is not it
at all I mean there there is no
subservient position right there there
there were created to be helpers and
equals in the term azer
what
the original Hebrew term and when you
look at that it means strength and
miraculous things and rescuer and and
you know when you think of your spouse
your wife that that’s what she doesn’t
like she said through prayer I mean you
know you can literally rescue your
husband and that that was a purpose that
was the intention of that that union
that relationship like is male and
female like we’re deficient in areas yes
you know both of us are and and where
I’m deficient areas you’re strong in
them and and you fill me in those areas
and I do the same for you you know those
complement each other
and that’s what God designed it I mean
look equal is one thing but we’re not
the same right you know we were
wonderfully created and we were
wonderfully created and and and made
different for a purpose so equal yes the
same night so you know but at the end of
the day the the bottom line is is that
none of us have a perfect marriage I
mean you know we talked before about
unmet expectations and you go into and
you have a fairytale wedding and like we
said everybody looks good in a tux and
everybody’s cute in a puffy white dress
but when that’s over with and you’re
left with reality that’s when the unmet
expectations lead to disappointment
depression you know divorce I’m out of
here
so listen nobody has a perfect marriage
you know if it looks perfect there’s
moments of perfection but it’s because
you’ve got there during the imperfection
and you rolled up your sleeves and you
dug in you dug in your heels and you
absolutely refused to give in it’s easy
to quit but there’s no eternal reward
and in quitting right so and you know
enter this and the joy of marriage is
it’s learning how to become one and and
it’s growing together and that’s the key
it’s growing together and like Leah said
you know I may move in a certain
direction spiritually where she’s on a
plateau and then but it’s through our
common prayers and it’s through our
support that I help lift her then you
know and she’s ministered to me on many
occasions so that’s the beauty of that
relationship and you know talking about
those relationships and in our personal
lives and
you know and in relationships we want to
talk today about our four deepest needs
right and and you know and they’re not
what you think it’s because of you say
like free Wi-Fi cable TV sex sex and
unlimited sweet tea I mean those are bad
they may fall somewhere after but I’m
talking about the four through we off
with your with your sex what it’s
important its it mean so we’re talking
about forty police so that’s what we’re
talking about today and let me put them
up on the screen real quick so talk you
know in a in a biblical sense in a
spiritual sense these are all humans
like I said every creation has a desire
to know the creator and and in this
desire these are the four needs their
acceptance identity security and purpose
and we’d like to we’d like to go over
we’d like to go over these as they apply
in a marriage model in a marriage
relationship yes so acceptance Romans
8:35 through 39 says I’m loved accepted
for who I am and I think that’s one of
the the biggest things you know there’s
no there’s no hiding in marriage you
know I mean after that wedding day I
mean you’re gonna see the worst of your
spouse and you’re gonna see the best of
your spouse and you’re gonna see every
everything in between and for your your
spouse there can’t be any fear or
reluctance you know to share who they
really are just with fear of them not
being accepted for that you know I mean
it’s not like you roll out of bed the
morning after the wedding and you see
see you who you really married right and
then be like alright I’m out of here you
know I mean which happens yeah which
happens I mean they may not physically
cut out that first day but emotionally
spiritually they’re going you know and
actually uh Dave and Ashley Willis have
a book and uh and he talks about being
naked right yeah and you know physically
naked spiritually naked and and and that
is it’s so important that that we come
before you know before God number one
and a naked posture get back to Adam and
Eve they were they were naked
when did they cover their nakedness when
they said when they separated themselves
from them and then they realized oh
we’re naked in a physical sense but more
in a spiritual you know transparency
sense and we’re talking make it as far
as vulnerability I mean it’s gonna be
make it in front of your spouse – yes
make it in all aspects that’s what I’m
talk
spiritually naked clothes someone’s you
got you got sex on your bar which is all
right I listen God created sex that’s
why I created man and woman you know to
compliment you like men hear the word
make it and like they’re all tuning in
right now excited but we’re talking
about vulnerability people listen if it
gets more men to watch this make it make
it make it make it make it make it make
it make it okay if that’s what it takes
to get men to watch the tune in we get
naked tell you why oh my gosh we’re
gonna get banned okay the next thing is
identity listen we all desire to know
who we are and and you know and it’s one
of look I mean you know some some people
probably else included you know you go
on an entire journey to find yourself
right I’ve got to find myself and you
know when you leave that marriage how
many times do you tell you you know I’ve
just got to find myself I’ve got to
discover myself listen you’re never
gonna discover who you really are
outside of Christ
you know God talks about when you when
you come into the kingdom and and he
talks about you know you’ll be given a
white stone and in Revelations and and
on that stone is your is your true
name’s your true identity
and listen we find that in Christ and so
you know we’ve talked to before about
you know when Leah and I came together
when we met you know we both had
high-profile careers and and we talked
about carrying luggage you know and and
we both had beautiful suitcases and
beautiful luggage it was shiny and and
mine had the Big Joe versus the volcano
stickers on it and you know it said
chief of police and PhD in and an
accomplishment and this and I did and
Leah’s you know had you know
best-selling author and
and you know classically trained
musician and and you know and all these
earthly accolades that we thought were
important and at some when we that was
our identity right I mean that’s who we
I looked at her and I thought oh wow you
know best-selling author a classically
trained musician great single mom Bob
LaVon and she’s looking at me and that’s
our identity we complemented each other
not on a spiritual no in a social but on
a social and secular place right now
what the world saw right you know and
then you opened our suitcases up and it
was nothing but garbage no yeah and
unfortunately you know we’ve been
married about a year when we reluctantly
unzipped our suitcases to each other and
revealed that there was dirty laundry
inside of those suitcases
just like a lot of people so when we
came to each other we didn’t come in
sincerity and and openness about our
identity and you know and it’s it’s
natural I mean I hate to say that but
but it is I mean nobody you know can you
imagine a first date you know look I’ve
got these problems now some people do
and it’s like you know but as you
develop your relationship and of course
through Christ and you know we talked
about that too where if you know God’s
got to be the top because if you put
your spouse up in a you know in a in a
deity position a demigod position then
your spouse can no longer step down from
that from that false man out and you put
them on to come to any position of of
confession right so you’re doing a
disservice by by um by putting them in
that position right and you know and you
know our minister is geared toward
remarriage people who are remarried and
blended families and the truth is the
older you get and the more you know you
start looking into remarriage the less
reluctant you are to share your identity
no no because of past hurts and and you
know whatever happened in a previous
marriage and things like that so well
yeah you know a big part is the when you
look at remarriage you look at it as you
get to hit that that big reset button
right you know and
and that’s your hope you like messed up
the first I’m not gonna do it this time
so I’m gonna hit the reset button and
when you when you you know the fantasy
is when you reset everything goes away
it everything’s new again but let me
tell you the only time everything is new
you become a new creation is in Jesus
Christ you can’t manipulate your now you
could try you can hide things and you
could not tell and you can share but
like in our situation you know we were
we were very very close immediately and
we stayed close and we’re still close
and and but it was because we had that
we had that reliance on God that we knew
that we could unzip those suitcases we
can reveal the dirty laundry and you
know the beauty of it is through through
confession and through repentance and
through restoration and recovery we were
able to launder our garments and then
and then not put them back on our own
suitcases we put them into our one into
our marriage case right and and you know
had we just hit the reset but it’s like
throwing dirty clothes in the dryer
right nothing’s gonna happen you can
only put so many balance sheets in there
so that’s where identity comes in and
it’s so important you have to know who
you are in Christ and and then in your
marriage and your in your relationship
and you think of all the years wasted
you know no I think about what what age
I was before I finally had that secure
that that identity in Christ you know
and you know you could have saved a lot
of heartache you know of course with
that out daddy comes the Knicks yeah
security is the next thing and then
Psalms 9 says I am safe and secure from
harm and I think for women this is the
biggie ya know a woman’s biggest need is
security
I know it’s my biggest need and it’s I
want to know that I’m in a safe and
loving home that my husband loves me and
that then my my family is gonna be whole
I’m not gonna have to worry that you’re
gonna walk out the door I’m not gonna
have to worry that that you’re gonna you
know lead us like I look to you for
leadership you know
and your leadership is for providing
that security right yeah
it is it’s important I mean you know
like you know I always go back to my
days in law enforcement and and you know
we we had things that helped promote
security ballistic vests and SWAT a
ballistic helmet that the weapons and
all the intelligence and things like
that in and you know in those in those
riskiest situations people oh my gosh
how did you do that you know well
because there was a sense of security
you know but those came through
protection Kevlar bulletproof things but
but listen I mean my number one sense of
security was always my faith in Christ
that I knew who was gonna carry me
through and then you know when you and
you look at those in your real life and
it’s you know first again it’s your
faith in Christ that provides that
security listen you can you can be the
biggest baddest toughest person on the
planet there’s always somebody bigger
badder tougher you know so so that’s not
your sense of security that’s gonna wane
with age and and maybe injury and stuff
but when you when you bring it to a
marital situation you know you can’t
tough your way through you know I don’t
want to talk about it
it’s my prime well I’m gonna keep it
quiet that doesn’t do it your security
comes through your vulnerability and
through your through your openness and
your honesty and and through your
nakedness let’s get the guys back in
Boston okay so security is very
important and listen and and it I’m
gonna tell you it took me a while as the
the head of the household you know and
those roles are very well defined by God
you know God is the head of our marriage
and and I’m the head of the household
and and Leah you know submits to me and
we’ll talk about submission but you know
and not at all some people get all what
you mean about submission we talk you
know listen that’s right we’re talking
biblical submission it takes someone of
strength to be able to to willingly say
I submit myself to your leadership you
know now because of that submission it
is my duty to provide security to
provide good leadership to be versed in
the word and to be prayerful you know
there’s times where I’m like you want to
pray no you’re the head of the house
you pray if she’s right it is my duty to
provide you and the kids with that
security and security comes in ways it’s
it’s praying together it’s being
prayerful it’s knowing without a doubt
where where my heart is where my
commitment is where our dedication is so
so those do and you know and I noticed
that after we went through that first
year of showing luggage and and dirty
laundry that and I knew that there was a
lot of moments of insecurity like and
you would say before I wanted to bring
this up I didn’t know if you know I
didn’t know how you’re gonna react I
didn’t know if you’re gonna walk out the
door listen there was times when I
didn’t know what I was gonna say or if I
was gonna walk out of the door so that’s
where security comes from that and and
and I could see the difference in our
relationship when you became like I you
know I tell her something like don’t get
too cocky you know I’m joking it she’s
like why not you know I’m sure you’re
not going anywhere I know you love me
that’s group that’s a great security so
you know even though I was joking with
her but hey don’t get too cocky you know
she’s like well yeah I am I deserve to
be you know and it’s like you know you
talk about like the submission and it’s
not that you know if I have an opinion
on something or if I strongly believe
something or if God has given me a word
on something and it’s different than his
he listens you know and the same you
know it’s like we it’s not like we’re
not equal still then that we’re equal I
can be submissive I can be a submissive
wife and and be submissive to God into
you and still be your equal right you
know no I mean listen we you know we’ve
had it many a times where where we’ll be
in prayer and and you know just I know
one number one time where you know just
fell into this desperation and I mean it
was it was darkness and and immediately
late like Lea just she jumps in and she
enters seeds on my behalf she’s like hey
God’s telling me this for you and
immediately you know I was like oh my
gosh I mean I hear God’s voice coming
through my wife and and it’s because she
was my my helper my rescuer she did
miraculous things as my helper and and
you know that’s another point in of glad
you made it is you know God talks about
weight you know you know agreeance
amongst two or three
believers and and if we want to do
something we usually argue over supper
where we’re gonna go but that’s I don’t
think that’s a biblical issue right but
it is important for you and your wife to
to agree on everything because you know
and if I step out and she’s like Scott a
spiritually I don’t feel it I don’t care
listen I’ve already doomed whatever that
decision is to failure and so if we
cannot agree
we either we either don’t do it or are
you seek counsel and and it can be no
divisive miss know they can another
can’t so you know it is listen it is
better to walk away from a decision
where you’re both split then than it is
to move forward because you’ve set it up
for failure you know so that is
important and then then of course the
first the fourth of our most deepest
needs is purpose and you know God that
God tells us in Jeremiah I have a
significant purpose and there’s a reason
for my life and I mean how many people
you know on the brink of suicide and and
self-destruction you know I’ve just
that’s their that’s their the darkest
moments or their life they just don’t
know what their purpose is how many time
why am I here right why am I here
you know and and it is it’s really a
time of despair when you look at the
miraculous wonder that you are that you
were birth that you we laugh all the
totally
it’s amazing anybody survives to
adulthood right with all the really
stuff man
with all the crazy stuff kids do but you
know what because God does have a
purpose he has a plan not to harm you
you know but but to prosper you and to
grow you yeah and you do you have a very
specific plan and God’s got a purpose
for you but you know what you’re not
going to understand that purpose I sit
and watching TV all day or hanging out
at the bars at night or running around
with all your PUD nas and or running
around on your spouse if you want to
know God’s purpose you got to go to God
you know and you know it’s like trying
to get the football score by watching
basketball it doesn’t make any sense
you want to know that you plug in you
tune in you stay clinched and tight
until you get that purpose well you know
and like
you know yesterday’s episode we were
talking about the woman at the well yeah
and you know you look at God’s purpose
and there’s so many like in in prayer
people turn to prayer as a last measure
as desperation your life and but but God
has a purpose for everyone you know and
we talked about that deep-seated desire
to know God and that’s built into
everyone and and you know you look at
who he used to do miraculous things to
bring people to Christ like the woman at
the well you know well I mean the
unclean the sinners that you know I mean
it’s about David all day yeah I mean you
know everybody
you start looking you’re like oh my gosh
you mean he did this and that and and
and Moses did that and well but you’re
right I mean that’s who he uses so we
all we all have a purpose it’s whether
or not you want to pursue that purpose
or you want to flee from it right you
know but listen if you flee from God’s
will in your life your people at home
and so you know that what was me worries
me what was me my marriage is bad and my
second marriage was bad and my third
marriage is bad and you know what my
fourth marriage is good what is wrong
with women right it’s not women it’s you
right you know you were not pursuing
God’s purpose in your life and maybe the
purpose that you just shouldn’t be
married you know but you’re never going
to understand the purpose for your life
as long as you flee from guy well and
being stagnant and your purpose is to me
like this you might as well be fleeing
you know to stay in the same place and
not pursue know I’ve been forward you
know that’s been our word or maybe our
word of last year was was keep going
yeah just go just go no avoiding it’s
not winning and God’s very clear you
know he does not he has no use for the
lukewarm if you’re cold and never knew
God it’s it’s it’s not your fault you
know and if you know God you know to be
fought on fire for Christ but those who
know God and choose like you said to be
stagnant he’s got no purpose he’s got no
use for the lukewarm and and so you’re
right if you’re not pursuing your
purpose then you’re you’re lukewarm
right so we want to touch back on base
is
we talked about it before and you know
your personal relationship with God is
the most important aspect of your
marriage your personal relationship and
you know the next thing is to remember
that only Jesus can meet your deepest
needs excuse me
so you know again we would caution folks
about you know he completes me you’re my
soul mate you know I mean we understand
that that’s a cliche term and it’s an
endearment term but when you really
start talking about you’re my soul mate
and you complete me you start to step
into a realm of idolatry where you place
your spouse equal to or above God
because listen note I love you and you
can be christ-like but you will never be
Jesus Christ and for me too to put that
burden on you I’ve set you up for
failure and I’m gonna be disappointed in
you and and then that leads to right
unmet expectations right and that leads
to divorce you know in me and I just our
purpose very clear I mean nowhere in the
bible does it say use the word soulmate
does it talk about soulmates we don’t
believe in soulmates you know because
it’s not a thing and you know I was
watching a great video the other day
about that the idea of having just one
person and the entire universe meant for
you that’s not true love is a choice
right no that’s you know it takes work
you’re not just going to magically enter
someone’s presents and touch hands and
right and now you become one as soul
mates you know I mean you’re but it
feels that way that’s the chemical
reaction you know as you’re okay you’re
leading into marriage and the wedding
day and and the honeymoon phase however
long that lasts
but the day to day you know that’s a
choice ya know this love at love is a
choice and that’s dealing with people oh
I fell out of love well then you chose
to fell out of love our fall out of love
you know or I don’t love him anymore you
chose not to love them anyway you can
reignite your passion
yeah to pursue and we’re gonna talk
about that in another episode but but we
want to ask you you know deep really
want you to think through
these these these for needs we’re
talking about acceptance identity
security and purpose which of these are
most important to you where is it
lacking in your life in your spiritual
walk in your marriage you know so so
when we gave you those challenges about
being committed being focused being bold
you know think think through these and
identify these are your most core basic
needs that everybody desires and if
they’re lacking things you you should
you should pray through about them and
pray over them and see you know I can
tell you our first year of marriage I
can answer I mean you know
Liat Leah’s where she was lacking was
security she had no security where I was
concerned you know you know why because
I had no identity and and who I truly
was in Christ you know and then when
that came together you know then the
acceptance and then we discovered our
purpose and then they became complete
but listen it didn’t come easy right it
didn’t come easy at all she was
difficult to deal with I had to throw
that one in there so listen make no
bones about it guys only Jesus can meet
your four most basic needs she can’t do
it she can’t do it you can help you can
support you can pray you can facilitate
but you cannot provide like fully for
those four needs right not a spiritual
sense no and if that’s what you expect
from me I’m just gonna disappoint you
right yeah and the same thing you know
you would disappoint me if I expected
that from you know and and you know we
just want to if we want to start to wrap
it up right yeah is can you be married
without God in your marriage people do
it every day they do you know I mean
unless we you know I mean you’re gonna
get the naysayers and they’re like we’ve
been married 50 years we don’t pray we
don’t listen that and you know what all
you’re doing is collecting days and
collecting anniversaries you were
missing out on the true meaning of
marriage I mean God created merit God
created marriage he created marriage to
mirror the relationship that he has with
us listen all through the Bible you know
it starts off
with with Adam and Eve with the creation
story the very first marriage
you know Jesus’s first miracle everybody
knows this I don’t know why you know
water in a wine you know like it like
he’s got some place up in Sonoma
you know that’s everybody’s favorites
you know everybody knows you know
oh Jesus turned water into wine that was
his first miracle
why was what was the significance of
that marriage it was at a marriage
celebration and then the Bible at the it
ends and revelations the last book in
the Bible with the marriage supper so if
you don’t think marriage was created by
and important to God you’re wrong you’re
wrong he wants us to marry he wants us
to be in the same relationship he has
with us we talk about the cry of Christ
and in the bride is the church so that’s
used all throughout the Bible that is
the model of the way we communicate with
him and he wants us to communicate with
with each other right so any
relationship you know what that you know
50 years of marriage with Christ versus
without you know you reach that 50-year
milestone and you look at the legacy of
your children and grandchildren and
their marriage and conversation you know
and you know like you look at the
blessing that you’ve bestowed just
because you chose to put God in your
marriage oh yeah you know on generations
you know and that’s a great topic I mean
we man you keep coming up with all kind
of good ideas but uh but you know we do
we talk about freedom from your past and
breaking the chains of past sins and and
generational curses slain and and that
is we’ve we’ve experienced over the last
year those freedoms and that realization
but that that’s a great point but you’re
right you know throw a 500 base Christ
centered marriage you do you leave a
legacy it’s not just you eating cake
when your 50th anniversary you know a
bible-based a god centered marriage is
it’s not just celebrating a day on a
calendar that you’ve seen 50 times it is
it is your right it is your children and
grandchildren and great is the legacy
that you leave um it’s incredible
so speaking of leave
it’s time to head out it is so before we
go I corrected I corrected this this uh
this screen from the last episode prayer
was not the first one so it is listen
that’s what we asked we asked you to
pray over this series this is so
important we feel like they got us led
us to this but we know it is not going
to be successful without your prayer and
you know we mentioned yesterday I’m
sorry we mentioned the last episode that
you know there’s a couple there’s
somebody who needs to see this who needs
to hear this you know you may be
watching it and oh that’s a good point
that’s interesting but it but it doesn’t
affect your soul deep there’s somebody
out there right now that needs to hear
God’s Word and and they need to hear it
in this in this episode and so we’re
praying that you will have the
confidence the boldness to focus the
commitment to pray over this series that
is successful yes
and then if y’all went please like
comment and share on Facebook yes
anybody that you know we know that I
can’t think of one person that doesn’t
know somebody who you know it has has
struggled at some time in their marriage
has been divorced is heading toward
divorce you know so just give a give a
share to I’m on Facebook and put us in
their path and and I know that’s a good
point you know hopefully we can save
some marriages yeah Melissa I mean
talking talking to someone you love
it’s tough you know when it’s maybe it’s
your child or or maybe it’s a sister of
sibling or our family member it doesn’t
matter who right it’s tough to talk
about divorce it’s tough to to try to
have the right like what do I say
you know a lot of times we don’t do it
because we really don’t know what to say
you know share this with them and then
you’re kind of off the hook right you’ve
done your duty your spiritual obligation
and it’s like hey I want you to watch
this let them let them jam it up you
know
so we do what we’re so we’re so you know
listen had we had somebody to tell us
years ago even after we first got
married about the realities of
recovering from divorce and and and
remarriage that it’s not that magic
reset button and blending families is
not as easy as you kiddies get along man
there’s it’s tough and we wish somebody
had been there to tell us and we know
this is why God’s put us in your path to
share with you so so we do we ask you to
like and share and comment and and we
want to know what you think we’re know
how you feel you know and look I’ll tell
you I love the algorithms and all the
science behind social media and I
mentioned it before like if you just hit
like it doesn’t if the rankings go down
but if you hit the little heart love
like I love mugs love monks it’ll it’ll
actually it’ll help this video get
pushed up in the rankings back so more
people see it so what I’m asking is we
like the lights but we love the laws so
hit the lows and put your prayer
requests in the comments yeah definitely
do that listen invite your friends
invite your family with churches you
know a lot of small churches they’re
always looking for for small group
materials or they’re looking for
marriage classes and and they don’t have
the resources to do it at the time and
and listen through marriage on the rock
oh we have that that resource we even
have it online but but leading an online
small group is absolutely fantastic you
get to do it on your own time and the
privacy of your own home so so you know
we do we you know if you have a church
or your leader looking for something and
then you know we ask you access go to
our website marriage matters got me I
love that man Oh dot mean like when did
Emmy become like the thing right I don’t
know I don’t know maybe I don’t know dot
me maybe it stands for something maybe
so huh I don’t know we’ll think about it
later so we do we ask you to go there
and there’s a tab and it’s marriage on
the rock it is it is free and it is it
is you know it’s based on marriage
today’s marriage on the rock marriage
certification course and and it’s our
gift to you also right next to there is
the Simba’s tab yes if you’re
going if you’re getting married or know
someone getting married or get married
or remarried is big this is this is an
assessment tool by dr. les and Leslie
parrot and we’re certified facilitators
listen it has been used by millions of
people – it’s an it’s a personality
assessment and it’s an it’s a readiness
assessment and you know listen stop just
going into marriage blind think beyond
the poufy dress in the tuxedo right I
mean put some thoughts some effort some
inventory into what you’re gonna do yeah
I mean the hard questions hard questions
about finances about how you discipline
children how many children you want
I mean questions that people oftentimes
so talk about before they get married
and then they find out the answers after
and it leads to divorce yeah
you’re not gonna bout that so we do we
just ask you you know you go to our
website marriage matters that meet and
you’ve got it’s called divorce proofing
which is marriage on the rock listen to
100 100 percent guarantee that your
marriage is gonna last you do it God’s
Way and in marriage on the rock leads
you through God’s weight and and then of
course sinless is a great assessment
tool and and we and our facilitators so
you know either take the test and then
you kind of work through the weeds or we
can work with you in an online
environment to help unpack those
assessments and and then you know other
than that
we have some free resources – oh yeah
yeah no no we do very cool stuff for you
we want we do we want to encourage you
to pick up our 31 Day of Prayer and it’s
on our website as well that we’re in a
bundle it’s a special package and you
know leading up to Valentine’s Day I
mean everybody’s like what do I get or
what do I get him I don’t know what
better than prayer yeah a couple prayer
so um we do thank you and we thanks for
for joining us for this episode and
we’ll see you next time so we are we’re
praying for you we thank God for this
opportunity to to speak with you and and
to communicate with you and we and we do
we look forward to hearing from you in
your comments or in your prayer requests
so we thank you and god bless you thanks

Can a Day be About Just One Thing? A Combat Veteran’s View

Can a Day be About Just One Thing? A Combat Veteran’s View

As a Christian, I regularly attend worship services. During one such time of worship on a Sunday morning in November, the pastor decided to recognize the fact that each eleventh day of that particular month is also a day that our nation sets aside to recognize and offer gratitude to our veterans.

Legacy of Service

I should also inform you, dear reader, that I am a veteran. Among the living in my family I can also state that my father, my sister and her husband my brother-in-law, even my father-in-law can claim that same title.

I actually have a long heritage of service in my family tree going all the way back to the American Revolution and can name the battles and wars and conflicts in which my non-living ancestors served. For myself, I have served in two wars and spent nearly 8 years of my life in combat zones.

So, there it is. A veteran who came from veterans who married the daughter of a veteran in a worship service in early November. Naturally, I am in that number.

Recognition

If I am completely honest, whenever I am recognized for my service, it is always meaningful. Truthfully, most times recognition offered by civilians is actually unwelcomed for a number of reasons.

First, at heart I am a humble man, and ironically a very private man, and accepting accolades for my military service can feel prideful to me.

Secondly, and purely intellectually, I also know that these same people will praise a goal, a home run, a hole in one, or a well-timed pass for yardage with equal or even greater zeal. So it often feels hollow, and even a bit insincere, when offered because I understand that they have little genuine understanding of what military service truly means.

To carry on even further in this vein of naked honesty, I think I often stoically endure recognition only for my children’s sake. They can look up to those years of service, those military accomplishments spelled out in the arcane hieroglyphics of medals, ribbons, badges, rank, and service stripes on my uniform and they can count the wars I survived just like counting the scars on my skin.

They can see the brutal and violent past that I endured and, indeed, often carry with me even still today, and they can know that they have no need to ever feel ashamed of their heritage.

So I make myself muster a tight lipped smile that somehow still doesn’t reach my eyes while seeking out any nearby fellow veterans with whom I can share a knowing single nod. We share that look and that nod and we recognize each other privately, silently, and our eyes meet, and that says more about my heart than any red carpet or standing ovation ever could.

Please Stand

On this particular Sunday in November, as has become the custom, all of the veterans present were asked to stand and be recognized. Along with my fellow veterans in the room, I did as I was asked.

We were each handed some gift, some token, some tchotchke, by the ushers which I have to say was so unremarkable that I will cease to remark upon it right now. Suddenly, and very loudly, a video played to the tune of “Letters from the War” by Mark Schultz and, since I’m already being brutally honest, I found it trite.

I stood there in my sock feet and tried to ignore the fact that my leg ached from standing. Just to minimize the pain, I had kicked off my shoes the moment I sat in the pew as I very often did.

I tried to ignore the eyes upon me as I stood there in pain pretending the entire time that I wasn’t in pain. I tried to ignore the music blaring throughout the narthex. I tried not to mock the effort in the corners of my mind while the lyrics tried their very best to jerk at least a few tears from members of the congregation.

I counted my breaths and waited for it all to be done and over so we could get back to the business of worship. The veteran’s day box is checked, now let’s all turn to the book of John.

Brethren In Arms

Then I started to notice something. There were an awful lot of men standing. Young and old, single and married, of every race, they stood with the same looks of discomfort and embarrassment as I surely wore. And I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I was in a church on a military installation.

These men were my brothers in arms. There were veterans here who had poured out sweat and blood under the same middle eastern sun as I. There were veterans here who had served in the jungles of Vietnam.

There were veterans here who had welcomed in the new year on the frozen Chosen somewhere south of the thirty-eighth parallel. And God Bless them, there were even a few who had battled the Axis powers in the Pacific or in Europe.

In that moment, I was no longer feeling like the “veteran” title was a little understood word. This was not a congregation intent on just checking a box on a very long to-do list. I wasn’t standing there like some misunderstood freak of nature at a carnival sideshow.

At the conclusion of this worship service, no stranger would corner me and solicit my opinion of this or that current military operation with the sole intent of lecturing me at length about just what his or her grossly ignorant opinion about it was. After all, they get the most current and accurate information from the oh-so trusted journalists at CNN, do they not?

No. In that moment, I was standing beside my brothers in arms. I was surrounded by family. I found myself silently nodding a nod of recognition whenever my eyes met the eyes of one of my comrades. I nodded a lot.

Christ said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13 (KJV).

 

No Greater Love

I was standing not in a church, but in formation, in perfect unison with men who loved me, and would literally kill for me, or literally lay down their lives trying. And I would do the same for any one of them. In that moment, it struck me just how Christlike that attitude of service is, and how honored I was to be numbered among those brave men.

The video ended. The church grew very suddenly quiet. The pastor, a chaplain and also a veteran, spoke very briefly into the silence, speaking about his own military service, men and women he had served alongside, things he had seen and done. His words infused additional meaning into the feeling that I experienced.

My brother in the pulpit knew and understood, and his tight-lipped smile spoke every word for him that he would never utter, and he nodded as he met our eyes, and we all nodded back.

As I took my pew I considered that if every veteran could experience this feeling, this kind of recognition, this kind of veterans’ day service, that it would do a great deal of good.

I thought about how I could perhaps volunteer or facilitate it in other congregations. I thought about the significance of our nation setting aside a single day and declaring it a Federal Holiday for the sole and pure purpose of honoring veterans.

The purity of that intent reached me not for the first time, but certainly that day in the most significant way. I briefly wondered if the men who had just been standing felt as I did. I wondered if they felt valued, cherished, recognized, and honored as I felt.

Changing Tides

Then it all went bad.

The next words spoken from the pulpit, and I should note they were not spoken by the chaplain, were, “Let’s also remember all of our military spouses out there. We all know what they had to go through. Today is about them, too.”

My immediate and obviously acerbic question to the speaker may have been something coldly logical like, “What about the veterans who have no spouse? Can today just purely be about them or should they get married right quick? Do you only want to dilute today’s meaning from the married veterans or should girlfriends and boyfriends count, too?”

I should point out, before I write anything more, that I love my wife, Hallee Bridgeman, and I am unspeakably proud of each and every one of my wife’s accomplishments. I hope and pray that this truth is self-evident to anyone who meets us.

What She Is

My wife and I actually married practically on the eve of my first deployment to Afghanistan way back in 2002. We didn’t even live in the same time zone until after we had been married for more than a year. She is a war bride. She has endured many lonesome years without me right there by her side.

At no small sacrifice and rather great personal risk, she has given me fine strong arrows in my quiver in the form of children, all of whom are the very blood in my veins. She is the most amazing and natural cook I have ever met. Her creativity with any dish surpasses my understanding or explanation.

And as you probably know, she has written many books, all best sellers, each of which are a testimony of her deep and abiding faith.

I love her with a visible passion. I provide for her at great sacrifice. And I will protect her with every cell and fiber of my body. Say whatever you want about me. I’ll probably laugh and maybe even agree with you. Say something about my wife, son, and I will do my very best to put you on the floor. I will defend that woman with my very life. That is how important she is to me.

What She Is Not

She is all those things and more. What is not is this. She is not a veteran.

It is true that she is a spouse to a veteran and even the daughter of one and the daughter-in-law of one. It is true that every night I spent apart from her, she spent apart from me.

It is true that she has witnessed the bad dreams that sometimes come or dealt with the irritability I rarely display after a completely sleepless night. It is true that my silence about certain topics that took place in combat zones frustrates her.

It is true that she knows every ache and pain that resulted from years of service. But she has never been in combat.

She And Me

She never saw any of the things I saw. She never smelled the terrible smells that one never has to have smelled before in life to instinctively recognize what caused them. She never executed the lawful orders of those appointed over her that proximately or ultimately resulted in human lives lost or taken.

Her eyes have never looked into the helpless eyes of entire towns of little children who are hurting because they are on the wrong side of an equation that makes up the brutal politics of warfare.

She has never known in her soul that there is nothing anyone can do to ease that hurt and she has never had to reconcile her own part in that equation.

She never laughed and worked and sweated and bled and stood shoulder to shoulder beside the once living man whose ashes we later scattered while his parents, brothers, sisters, young widow, and very young children stood stoically watching and maybe wondering just how much of those ashes were really once their son, brother, husband, father.

She never has bad dreams about any of that. She never spends a sleepless night keeping any of those memories at bay. She doesn’t have any of those memories.They are absent in her because she isn’t a veteran.

Every night she slept alone in our spacious warm bed built for two in our climate controlled home under the security of our well-made roof, I slept on the bare ground under a poncho liner, or on a cot which was either too short or not wide enough, or in a hammock above the dirt floor of a GP Medium tent, or in a “barracks” circus tent alongside a few hundred smelly, sweaty, annoyed men, or sitting upright in a MAC terminal or onboard a helicopter or high powered aircraft whenever I felt safe enough to let my guard down and close my eyes.

No matter where I never really slept beyond the surface sleep of instant wakefulness. No matter where, it was nearly always in the most inhospitable of conditions.

While I ate “meals” that literally could pass for pig slop, usually liberally laced with sand and purposefully without flavors, she ate fresh fruit, vegetables, and lean meats all seasoned and prepared by the most amazing cook I have ever met in my life.

While she could plan a picnic to watch fireworks on Independence Day, I could prepare myself every single day to hunker down in a damp bunker while we were being rocketed or return fire if we were ambushed or rush to the med-shed because they needed a pint of my oh-so-precious O-negative blood.

While she could work out carpools to music lessons or little league practice, I could avoid what might or might not be an improvised explosive device that could take me and everyone with me right out of this world.

I say none of this in a prideful way. My wife gets it. She respects it.

And she does NOT want veterans’ day to be about her. Or any other spouse. Or anyone at all who is not actually a veteran. At all.

In fact, she wants it to be about her veterans. Her husband. Her father. Her father-in-law. Her sister-in-law. To name just a few.

Besides every single day of my life on earth, there is actually a day set aside when I can formally express my gratitude and give thanks to my spouse for the sacrifices she made. That day also happens to be in November. It just isn’t on Veterans’ Day.

Lumped Together

What is this compulsion, in our modern culture here in these United States, to dumb absolutely everything down? What is this irrepressible need we seem to have to dilute the power of a single pure idea and pollute it with so many irrelevant impurities?

Why is this acceptable to us as Christians or as a society at large?

Why can’t a single day just be about just one single thing? Why can’t it be purely, intentionally, and solely about just that one thing?

As a living veteran, why in the world would anyone – anyone – think it is even tangentially appropriate to “thank me for my service” on Memorial Day? Oh? Really? Thanks for not dying I guess?

See, there are men I served alongside who didn’t come home alive to their loved ones. Memorial Day is about THEM and not even one jot or tittle about anyone or anything else.

Why not let Memorial Day be entirely about Memorial Day? Why not actually memorialize our honored dead on that day we set aside to do so?

And in case you haven’t guessed already, yes, there is a larger point.

God Is Supreme

I am a Christian. Because that declaration means different things to different people, I will clarify by saying that I believe that there is just one God, Jehovah, and I believe that He condescended to communicate His will to mankind in the form of prophecy and scripture we know today as the Holy Bible.

I believe that the Bible is perfect, inerrant, God-breathed truth from cover to cover. I even believe the cover. I believe that in the beginning man sinned against God and the consequence of that sin is death.

I believe that about 2000 years ago, the Messiah arrived in the form of Yeshua, called Christ Jesus of Nazareth, and that he redeemed us from our sin. I believe that through him and him alone we are saved from an eternity of darkness. I believe these things purely and completely.

While I love my fellow man and respect every well-considered opinion, I do not respect the gross fallacies of secular humanism or this culture’s evangelism of so-called “enlightened” atheism.

I do not assume that life, the universe, and everything just randomly “happened” as a result of pure chance because the overwhelming evidence supports the fact that life, the universe, and everything was intentionally and intelligently designed (i.e.: created) for a purpose.

So here is the larger point.

The One Thing

After weeks of prayerful meditation, I believe that the Holy Spirit spoke to me on that November Sunday and allowed me to feel the things I felt to come to a conclusion in order to make this exact point. Why can’t we content ourselves with letting one single day just be purely about just one single thing?

I think the answer is more than just that it isn’t cool. I truly believe that Satan has convinced us that all things are relative, including the things that happen in the sacred holy spaces of our places of worship.

Focusing all of our energy on just one thing is somehow uncool and unpopular and nothing we can take pride in, right?

Christmas can’t be purely about Christmas anymore. From that very same pulpit on Christmas Eve, when our church bulletins arrived late during our service, a congregation member (not by any pastor I feel I must clarify) announced that we should thank “Santa and his elves” that the bulletins arrived at all.

There are churches today that host “Holiday” parties during which someone pretending to be Santa Claus hands out presents to children. Because there just isn’t enough Santa Claus outside of the church walls, I guess.

I suppose they have their reasons why they would rather put an entirely fictional character on center stage than to commemorate and venerate the birth of Christ the Messiah, that occasion when our creator God condescended to enter into His creation and gift us, generations of undeserving sinners, with his only begotten son, the lamb of God, the lion of Judah, our savior and Lord.

Likewise, resurrection Sunday can’t be purely about the resurrected Christ.

There are congregations who hide Easter Eggs all over the church grounds and have someone dressed as the Easter Bunny hand baskets of chocolate coated rabbits to children.

I suppose they would rather have an entirely fictional character with unquestionably pagan roots take center stage than focus on the actual gospel truth message that Christ the Messiah returned from death itself and by the shedding of his blood gave all of humanity the gift of eternal life.

Who am I but one sinful man? I sinfully and pridefully took offense when I, as a veteran, could not enjoy the very secular holiday of Veterans’ Day and let that one day just be purely and solely about veterans?

How many times have I repented God’s heart when I cannot focus solely and purely on the truth? Every time I dilute and pollute the truth of God’s word with secular nonsense, am I offending my Lord?

Am I simply helpless to collude in the spreading of the lie that there is some fictional character waiting to shower children with gifts and candy instead of celebrating the truth of the living son of God?

Christ is the only pure and single and exclusive way to the Father, the only way to eternal life, so how does this please the creator of the universe when I pollute the Father’s house with impure, diluted, polluted secular commercialized messages? Have I exchanged the truth of God’s law for commercialism?

If Christ were to walk into my congregation today, would he dress up like Santa Claus or hop in with a basket of sugary sweets do you suppose?

Would he even recognize our worship as worship? If he did, would he make a whip from cords and metaphorically overturn our highly commercialized practices of worship?

Or can we find it within ourselves to make worship of Christ the lord be purely and specifically about just one thing – Christ himself?

Gregg Bridgeman

Christ-Follower

American Military Veteran

 

Lysa Terkeurst: The Male Response To Divorce

The News

My wife shared an article about divorce with me written by Lysa Terkeurst, the founder of Proverbs 31 Ministry. 

We’re both big fans and followers of her site and social media platforms which reach about 40 million people. It empowers women and family, and is a wonderful resource for all.

I’d say that prior to Lysa’s June 13, 2017 article, Rejection, Heartache, and a Faithful Godshe, her life and marriage were the standards by which millions of people measured their own. She was a light on the hill for what a true, bible-based marriage, Christian wife, and ministry could look like.

On June 13th she bravely shared she was divorcing her husband of almost 25 years. She remains that shining light on the hill, and even more so in her brokenness and faithful humanity.

The Female Response To Divorce

My wife was crushed, as were millions of other wonderful women around the globe. I’ve been reading comments in posts and articles all week about their responses to the news. I’d estimate about 99% of all respondents were very supportive offering prayer and support.

If I were to paint a collective portrait of the sentiments, it would reflect most women expressing fear of losing their own spouses and telling how they hurried to their husbands and hugged them or assured them of their love and adoration for their marriage.

These women cherish their marriages, and instead of spreading hurtful gossip about Lysa’s divorce, they flipped the positive opportunity to assess their own relationships in physical and visceral responses.

I learned so much from my own wife sharing her heart about this matter in Lysa TerKeurst: The Female Response. In my wife’s response, she began a private group for women struggling with affair recovery as a way to support and love her sisters. She encourages you to connect if you’re so inclined.

The Male Response To Divorce

While heavily under-represented in comments on her’s or any other social media forum, I’d intuitively say not many men rushed to their wives to embrace them over fear of ending up like Lysa and Art.

It’s not that men wouldn’t feel empathy for the Terkeurst divorce, or that men don’t cherish their spouses, but the male condition has become conditioned to the reality of marital failure.

Men aren’t as surprised when the other proverbial shoe does fall. Maybe it’s the hardened shell we build around our hearts as a distorted sort of protective barrier, or we’re culturally encoded to suppress emotions while wrapping our minds around rational next steps in a never-ending session of “what-if” bad things happen.

The reality is that we as men have failed in the business of marriage. A January 2017 study claimed between 50 and 60% of all husbands have engaged in extramarital affairs at some point in their marriage.

While difficult to determine data related to infidelity being the actual cause of divorce, studies show 37% (either spouse) occur as a result of cheating.

I’d add that while the legal justification for divorce is usually listed as no-fault or irreconcilable differences as a means to get the marriage dissolved as quick as possible, data suggests infidelity is involved at a substantially higher rate than reported.

In most states, infidelity is difficult to prove. Many factors prevent either spouse from launching that allegation for reasons ranging from embarrassment to legal settlement.

Despite the data, collectively, men have not equally carried marriage’s yoke. The principle of pursuing marital purity isn’t openly accepted or discussed in masculine circles.

Men look at a guy like Art and hope they either don’t get busted in whatever they’re engaged in, or wonder how they’d carry on if their marriages ever fell apart.

Mentoring Men

Unfortunately, we don’t mentor men to be husbands.

We say “I do,” and then do. But do what? That’s where we drop the ball. Unless we’ve had a strong God-centered teaching on the reality of Adam’s Genesis 2:24 experience of merging two into one, then chances are, men mistake the verse as combining two resources such as bank accounts or furniture into one.

Without mentors, we do as we see. What men have seen over the last decades are their parents divorcing, fathers abandoning the family by either choice or heavily-burdened custodial requirements, temporary live-in love interests helping raise the kids, and Herculean single-parent efforts to maintain a sense of balance.

These dynamics also create injury for the kids, and where the male child is physically, emotionally or spiritually wounded by their dad, the pain often manifest itself into efforts to medicate it as an adult through alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography or suicide.

Male Infidelity

Lysa shared that Art’s continued substance abuse and infidelity were the major factors leading her to divorce him. While saddened at Lysa’s news, I wasn’t shocked. Cheating runs rampant, and despite the “easy way out alibi” that men just want more sex, there are actual reasons why men act out sexually.

I’ve even begun a men’s outreach to encourage brothers to stand the gap for the kingdom and their family at Brick Breakers

It’s the failure to identify and address the cause that chains men to the bowels of hell through sexual bondage. Sneaky secrets or salacious lies are the devil’s tactics for trapping men and destroying families.

I’ve written on male infidelity in Why Men Cheat, and Men, Stop Cheating. Both may be worth your time to explore, and reference if you find yourself in similar scenarios. There’s also a confidential survey assessment in Why Men Cheat you can take to determine your risk of sex addiction.

But How?

What shocked most were that they appeared to have centered their marriage on Christ first. So how could this happen to people who love God and serve Him? How could God allow that to happen? Lysa’s such a shining example of a strong Christian woman, why would God do this to her, doesn’t He love her anymore.

The above are comments from articles about the news. The reality is, bad things happen to good people. Another truth is that good people do bad things.

While I don’t know either Lysa or her husband Art personally, these truths are universal. God allows His children free will. Otherwise we’d roam the earth like the rest of the beasts of the field chewing cud and mindlessly responding to exterior stimuli.

God did not punish Lysa, and He certainly still loves her very much. We are free to choose our own paths. It’s God’s desire that we come to Him to enjoy a deep, loving relationship. Unfortunately in Art’s case, and many spouses, their desire leads somewhere between a high and an illicit sexual encounter.

Just because Lysa became yet another victim to the ravages of satan’s war waged against marriage doesn’t make her any less of an example. In time and through God’s grace, this will allow her an even greater compassion for people, faith and now recovery from divorce.

In The Beginning

This began long before Lysa and Art.

God loves marriage. He created it to mirror the relationship He wants to have with us. The creation of man and then the gift of man’s helper, woman, was in fact the first marriage in the history of the world. It’s why Adams said:

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife;

and they shall become one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24

Neither Adam nor Eve had ever sinned. They lacked the capacity to understand the concept or question the consequences of going against the will of God. Yet, because of the gift of free will, they chose to reject God’s one command. Eat all you want, but leave that tree for Me (to paraphrase.)

They coveted what God solely possessed, and they sinned in their selfish desire to have what God had. They in turn placed God’s will behind their own desires and feasted on the forbidden fruit. Sin separated them from intimacy with God, and with each other.

Men continue to relive this act of defiance, oath breaking and covetousness each time they flirt, text, bait-click pornography, steal a simple kiss at the after work happy hour, or commit to long-term or repeated sexual affairs.

Satan hates marriage because it is the direct reflection of God’s loving relationship with us. It’s why the serpent immediately attacked the first couple. It tempted them with something bigger and better than what God had given them.

Isn’t it telling that although history tries to blame Eve for bringing down Adam, he was right there as the deception occurred.

Remember, he was the one who spoke of two becoming one flesh. Where there was Eve, there was Adam. He failed her as the spiritual head of their household.

Adam allowed his desire for the fruit God forbade to fail in shielding his wife from the consequences of evil. Worse, when confronted by God, Adam threw blame on the one person who he previously claimed as his cherished own.

Do you see the similarities? Art’s willful desire for sex and substances places them above his passion for God, and therefore his wife. The substance abuse and sexual sin become his god (lower case g) while he failed to protect Lysa from the consequences of his sin. Also, the secretive nature is not unlike Adam’s attempt to hide from God before he was confronted.

In the end, we’ve really not progressed very far from the creation story.

The Hope

God created marriage. There is no coincidence that He places emphasis on the act of marriage. The bible begins with a marriage in the Garden. Jesus’s first recorded miracle occurred at a wedding, and the bible ends in Revelations with a wedding supper.

God also created sex to be enjoyed within the blessings of that marriage. God has never been shy about a husband and wife enjoying each other’s bodies. Nor has He minced words about the consequences of sex outside of marriage. Here’s a few bible verses to hammer these points home:

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled,

for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

Hebrews 13:4

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-4

“Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”

1 Corinthians 7:1-2

Men can reclaim their place as the spiritual head of their households. But it will never happen as long as we conduct ourselves outside of the boundaries of marital purity.

Wives deserve better than to follow the lead of a corrupted spirit. Your wife is God’s very own cherished daughter. That makes Him your father-in-law. Do you think God will allow her to be deceived without detection?

Men, if Lysa’s reality doesn’t cause you to rush into your wife’s arms and reclaim the bonds of holy matrimony, then focus on your own. If you have been unfaithful, you should begin with confession and prayer. Concealing your affair isn’t the answer.

Studies show that 60-75% of couples who’ve experienced betrayal stay together. Confession, counseling and accountability in many cases lead to a deeper, more loving marriage.

The process through programs like the Conqueror Series is also vital for helping men understand the core causes of their destructive behavior.

Men, there is never judgement in my message. I only share what God places on my heart. God meant for us to be kings and conquerors, but instead we behave like cowards and saboteurs. Your family will only ever be as strong as you are. Are you ready to be strong in Christ for your family?

Keep the Terkeurst family in your prayers.

Much Love / Much Respect,

Scott  

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Happy New Year: Toast From Silly Boys

FIT@50 – Week 93: It Feels Good

How do you encourage your kids to lean on the truth?

FIT@50 / Week 89: Thanks, Thanksgiving

FIT@50 / Week 89: Thanks, Thanksgiving

Earlier this week I’d posted a question about fried or baked. I received plenty of comments that not only left me hungry, but realizing there are many more ways for preparing a turkey.

The next day I asked if you could have anyone – past, present or future join you for Thanksgiving, who would it be. I first expected to get answers like George Washington, Jesus, and Tom Brady.

Instead, the outpouring was so emotional, I once considered removing the question from my feed. Then I considered that everyone was only expressing what they felt most deeply in their hearts.

Deceased and estranged parents, siblings, spouses, children, in-laws, grandparents, friends and loved ones lost way too early or who had grown way too old.

It first felt like a punch in the chest as I read every one of the responses. I thought about my mom who I would’ve loved to have met Liliana Hart and Max. Next I thought about my dad who passed in September, who had it not been for the ravages of dementia, would’ve loved knowing Liliana Hart better and enjoying a little more time with Max.

Then the wrenching of my feelings turned to empathy for all of us who’ve lost uniquely special people in their lives. People who enriched us if by only their mere presence, and not by their bold actions.

I was reminded by so many answers that a deeper lost was felt for those unknown, never known or passed without passing paths. The spouses who never met their in-law, or the adult whose grandparent died long before they were conceived.

Greater still were the wishes of spending a day of thanks with angels miscarried, aborted or taken back into the merciful arms of Christ before reaching an age of accountability.

It was a humbling day of thankfulness, but for so many like myself, it’s also a day of re-mourning, regret, wishful wishes and realizations of never will be’s. But, by the grace of God, it is well with my soul, as I trust it is with yours.

I don’t regret asking that simple question, and I do rejoice in the responses, who instead of harboring the sadness of loss or missing, chose to share not only their replies, but their memories with everyone else. Isn’t that one of the most wonderful ways of ensuring they actually did spend the day with you?

This Thanksgiving was a bit different for Leah Silverii & I, but what looked like a doomed day inside a cross-country airplane ride, ended with leftovers at family and one excited Max. For that, I am also thankful. So here’s to getting through the day with a grin to end the night.

Thanks, Thanksgiving.

Do Good,
Scott Silverii

FIT@50 / Week 80: Being Human

FIT@50 / week 80

Being Human:

I’m going to take a breather on this one. This week’s FIT@50 is probably best spent just being human. I’ve come to understand that it’s okay to just be human. That being FIT@50 means it’s alright to chill out every once and awhile, and allow life to be just so.

Of course, as I say this, it’s on the heels of another fast-paced week of networking and meetings for Liliana Hart and I. But just like the week before and the month before that and the year preceding that, we promised each other we’d slow it down.

Honestly, I don’t know that slowing down is an option.

It’s called being human.

If I could show you, right outside our suite window is an amazing sugar-sand beach with warm crystal waters. We’ve yet to stick a toe in either of them since we arrived on Monday.

Why? I’m really not sure why, but neither of us are complaining. We’ve been blessed to share this week catching up with friends and meeting new people who are as passionate about business as we are.

One of the best parts of this week has been how many people have taken the time to express their condolences for the loss of my dad. I mentioned that our circles on social media allow us to get to know so many people on a personal level. I’ve appreciated everyone who has made the very real effort to pay their respects.

It’s called being human.

Speaking of being human, I got caught up earlier with the reality that it had already been a week since my dad’s passing. I had that brief moment of chest compressing panic, but quickly tapped my heart with the tip of my middle finger to reassure myself it would be okay.

It’s a habit I picked up years ago while still in law enforcement. The bulletproof vest I wore on duty had a heavy plate covering the heart. It’s called a shock plate, or trauma plate. I’d tap that plate with my finger as a reassurance reminder that my heart was covered by a metal shell.

I didn’t realize it was something I still did. Although, having matured in my needs for reassurances, it’s not the steel plate that protects my heart from the trauma of grief. I have God’s reassurance that I’m protected, and blessed with a wonderful wife, family, and friends who care about what that heavy steel plate once protected.

It’s called being human.

Do Good,

Scott

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